Sh*t you need:

Now, I know you’re all adults, But I’ve also planned trips before, and had people show up without sh*t that any jerkoff dumbass would know to bring.  So, you’re more than welcome to NOT read this list, but if you don’t, and you don’t have something in here and then whine about it, I am going to be annoyed and secretly think that you’re a dumbass.

Camping gear

Here’s an easy one: we always go car camping.  That means the car is only a thirty second walk from the tent.  so if you can haul a big screen television and a satellite dish and a portable leather dungeon ten yards, be my guest.  I won’t be in yours, because my porta-leather dungeon is nicer.

In addition to the obvious stuff which I’ll list below, here’s some not-so-obvious stuff:

• Ear plugs:  climbing campgrounds are full of mostly interesting drunk climbers. But sometimes some stupid ones will wander in and spew the entire move outline of every climb they were on that day, followed by a discussion of a flash video that peaked six years ago and WASN’T EVEN THAT FUNNY THEN.  you will want to murder them.  I certainly won’t call 911,  but in case someone else might, you can avoid all this by bringing 50 cent earplugs.
• Toilet paper: campground toilet paper is at most one-ply.  If you’re a bottom, then you already know this is unacceptable.
• cash. Campsites don’t always take plastic. Asking the campground owner in the wooden shack if he’ll take your card cause you don’t have cash will reveal that you are a fucking yankee.  (only yankees rely on plastic.)
• Headlamp:  this is also hiking gear, so don’t forget and leave it in the tent when you depart in the morning.

Then there’s the obvious stuff.

• Sleeping bag: either 32 degree or 16 degree bags are fine.  In the dead of the summer this won’t matter, but in both the spring and fall it can get very cold.  Cheap alternative: sleep with a friend … a special friend!
• Pad
• Tent: a big tent. I don’t think i have to spell this one out for you like i did everything else.
• Sleeping bag liner: your feet will start to smell after climbing for a day or two.  Better not to pollute your bag.
• Snacks: if you get hungry after dinner then it’s nice to have something since you won’t have your kitchen fridge.

Hiking crap

You want to be able to hike comfortably for an hour or two at night in the middle of a God’s-wrath-type rainstorm.  That means waterproof shoes, rain jacket, either swim trunks or rain pants, and a decent headlamp.  This is not just for emergencies–even if we wake up in this weather, we’ll still go climbing, and you’ll want to be comfortable and mostly dry when we get there.

Climbing gear (for sport trips)

You should have this stuff (unless you’ve made arrangements to borrow it):

• harness
• shoes
• belay device
• rappel device
• helmet
• daisy chain / cow’s tail / wiener sling
• locker for your daisy chain / cow’s tail / wiener sling

For the most part, people work it out with their carpool to make sure that for every two people, there is at least

• a 50+ meter climbing rope
• 10 or more quickdraws

But if you don’t have these, you can usually make arrangements to borrow.  If you’re new to the climbing scene and not sure where to put your money in first, GET A ROPE.  Quickdraws are like rabbits; if a climber has them, they probably have a zillion.  Ropes are like those stupid giant turtles at the zoo that die before anyone can get them to reproduce or figure out what sex they are. So They’re harder to borrow and nobody loans them out anyway.  Also, do not buy a cheap rope.  Cheap quickdraws will do the job.  A cheap rope will be the bane of your existence for the next three years and won’t last half as long as a good rope.  If you insist on having another analogy, then quickdraws:rope::hooker:spouse.  There.  Happy now?  Is the funny man funny enough for you?  Jerk.

A note about helmets: yes, you should bring one.  You’re gonna have to buy one eventually anyway.  Most Homo Climbtastic trips, at some point, involve belaying under an overhang, following a trad lead, leading a runout, or belaying in an area with rockfall.  I’ve been pelted by rocks several times over the years. It is not just a freak occurrence, and it’s extremely irritating to set up for a climb in a chossy area and then discover that your belayer is helmetless.

Many of the areas we climb also have trad routes.  So, if you have a trad rack, you should bring it.

Lastly, if it’s a bouldering trip, then you’ll only need a bouldering pad and shoes.

Other sh*t

• bathing suit
• cooking stove/equipment if you have it