Would You Like to Buy Some Chicle?

HC’s Spring trip is in full-swing, and that means that it’s Sponsorship time! We’ve been knocking on doors like a gang of 19 year olds trying to sell you some shitty knives, and emailing/calling/begging for sponsors always reminds me of being stuck in traffic in Guadalajara where those cute little kids come up to your window and try to sell you some chicle. I’m always super nice to those kids, ’cause I’m a decent goddamn human being, and sometimes I even give them a couple bucks. I see other people get really nasty & hateful with them. In case you were confused, this is a literary device called an allegory, and today I’m using it to exorcise my frustration with the good people at **** company for being snotty with me last summer. OK, so maybe the chicle kids don’t tell you that your marketing strategy is kind of lame, and will only appeal to 17-34 year old white men, but girl let’s be honest…if you can’t trust the people at Homo Climbtastic to be honest with you, then who the fuck you gonna’ trust?

You'd be a fool NOT to take marketing advice from this kid.

I’m also, as coincidence would have it, making “cold calls” to try & sell stuff for my real-life job…the one that actually pays my bills. Oh the rejection. If you’ve never worked in a sales position, then you just can’t grasp the humiliation we endure. And for some reason, every time I get involved in a job or in any type of organization, this is where I wind up…peddling my fucking chicle. Once, many many moons ago, I accidentally sold Cadillacs for a year. It wasn’t my fault, I was in a blackout. It was like, one night this guy invited me to a party & I woke up a year later driving a red Cadillac Eldorado with a geriatric sitting next to me telling me about his grand-daughter and how well we’d get along. Meth is a Hell of a drug. Anyfuck, I soon discovered that selling cars is one long, painful cold-call. I also learned that, as human beings, we deserve to be exterminated. My therapist says this is normal for someone who’s been through that type of trauma, and my attitude toward my fellow man seems to be getting better.

All of this is to give a huge, gigantic “THANK YOU” to our wonderful, amazing sponsors. Also, a gigantic “THANK YOU” to the companies who have been so gracious in their reply, even though they cannot sponsor us right now (I’m talking to you, Climb On!)

I have to go make more sales calls now. Hey, if any of you need a couple hundred thousand electronic components per month, give me a call…I’ll make you a killer deal.

SAVE THE DATE: HC’s 2011 Spring Trip to Bishop, California!

Bishop, California!
Don’t say we didn’t give you enough warning, because here it is! Start saving your pennies, book off work, and start looking for flights – Homo Climbtastic is heading to Bishop, California!

When: Thursday, April 14th to Monday, April 18th, 2011 (+/- whatever days you wanna stay)
Where: Bishop, California (Google Map)

While more details are in their way, just mark it off in your calendars for now. Facebook Event HERE!

Bishop is world famous in the climbing community for its spectacular problems in the Happies, Sads, and Buttermilks. Problems include Chris Sharma’s once-upon-a-time project “Mandala” V12, and what is arguably the world most photographed, best known boulder problem, the “Iron Man Traverse” V4. And that’s a REAL V4, not your inconsistent climbing gym V4s.

But don’t worry if bouldering isn’t your forte (it ain’t mine either), the plan is to also spend time climbing routes in Owen’s Gorge. Again, more details to come!

SO BOOK THAT SH*T OFF NOW!

A Modest Solution to Our Nasty Little Border Problem

It’s been like six thousand degrees Kelvin in Austin this August, which is roughly equivalent to the temperature on the surface of the mother fucking sun.  Climbing has been…well, challenging.  The heat makes me pine for a new, exotic climbing destination.  And that’s when I get my mad on that we can’t drive to Miss Mexico any more since the Sandanistas or who the fuck ever now control the highways.

No doubt you’re thinking “Kelly, what the fuck?  It’s hotter in Mexico than it is in Austin right now.”  First off, rude…my life coach says you can’t talk to me that way anymore.  Secondly, I don’t fucking care.  I crave something different, and frankly  105F versus 107F doesn’t feel much hotter…unless you’re throwing a hacienda with a mother fucking pool into the mix.  Yeah, I said it.  What.  I want to climb in a place where there are multi-pitch sport routes, and even though it’s hot you can go swimming at your hotel afterward.  ‘Cause that’s who I am.  I’m a gay man who climbs, and I want room service.  Miss Cho said it best:  “Where’s my fucking parade?”

Now, as I understand it, the cartels are fighting over territory…specifically, ports of entry to the United States.  You’re probably wondering how I know this?  My good friend Jose Reyes Ferriz, Mayor of Juarez, told me so.  OK, so, like, we’re not good friends…but I met him at this conference a couple of months ago.  PS, he’s a partner in a law firm that specializes in Maquiladora programs in Mexico…no conflict of interest there, eh?  Anyfuck, Sr. Ferriz was all “Hey, you know why the cartels are fighting in Juarez and other ports of entry to the US?  ‘Cause you Americans consume more drugs than any other nation on the face of the fucking planet, and they’re good business men who just want to get their shit into your country.”  I’m paraphrasing, I don’t think he dropped an f-bomb in his speech.  But OK I get it, we use lots of drugs & Mexico can’t get too involved in a conflict that would, in essence, spark a civil war.  And let’s be frank:  the people who consume all those drugs?  Republicans and Conservative Christians.  Fundamentalist preachers, conservative talk show hosts, and Republican senators.  Anyone on the verge of getting busted for having (lots of) gay sex in an airport Men’s room, basically, is who I’m talking about here.  I don’t have any proof, I just don’t know who else has enough money to consume all of those drugs…and there’s LOTS of money in being an ultra-conservative d-bag.  Do you really think Ann Coulter got to be that lovely shade of grey by JUST throwing up everything she eats?  Darling…how refreshingly naive.

The solution, I think, lies in the recent immigration battle going on here in Texas and in Arizona.

Now, for the most part, it seems like Republicans and Tea Baggers are anti-illegal immigrant.  Or pro-immigration reform, depending on who you ask.  Unless said immigrant is a coke mule, but you get my point.  And, according to their rhetoric, it’s NOT because they’re racist.  I know a lot of these people, and I can tell you that they are most definitely NOT racists.  Despite the emails they send me that are somewhat racist in tone.  And despite the racist jokes they tell me that make me sick to my stomach.  The racial slurs spoken in the privacy of their homes don’t mean anything, either…they’re not racist.  ‘Cause they say so.  All empirical evidence may suggest otherwise, but they’re definitely NOT racist.  Dammit.  They’re just worried about the situation at the border.  As it relates to brown people.  Or something.

Now, since I know so many of these people, I also know their habits.  I know what they like.  What makes them “tick”.  I know that the one thing in the world a Republican or a Tea Bagger really wants…what makes them happy…is to feast on the souls of the innocent.  That’s right, just a little innocent soul* once in a while, and these people are like little teddy bears.

And so I propose that we allow Michele Bachmann to sacrifice a couple of babies once a month or so.  Let Sarah Palin get her a big ol’ mouth full of sweet, pure latino soul, and all will yet again be right with the world.  I’m pretty sure Republicans only do lots of drugs because even they’re afraid to admit their true addiction, so we’ll see our nation’s drug use plummet to record low levels as conservative anti-gay politicians go back to their original drug-of-choice (innocent souls) while having gay sex with prostitutes.  It’s win-win!  Immigration reform is no longer an issue because the right-wingers get what they REALLY want (in addition to $3/hour housekeeping and lawn work) and finally shut the fuck up about it, and the cartels lose enough money that they can no longer afford a sustained war against one-another.

All it’ll take is the death of a few children, or in some circumstances, very innocent adults, and I’ll be able to drive to Mexico so I can go climbing.

I’m attaching a picture of Roger wearing a googly eyed speedo so that our reader’s souls can get tainted enough that Republicans won’t want to eat you.  ‘Cause I’m a giver like that.  You’re welcome.

*Homo Climbtastic in no way endorses the consumption of souls…innocent or otherwise.

Connor, bears, news, oh my!

This is my first blog entry on Homo Climbtastic, so I’ll take this opportunity to introduce myself.  I’m Connor, and I climb gay rocks, er, um, I’m a gay cock climber, damn, I’m a gay rock climber, there, nailed it.  I’m other things too, which is why I’ve always had a hard time with labels.  So in reality, I’m just Connor, and you can call me anything you like (but people usually stick to Connor, because I’m also a gay mixed martial arts expert).  More on me in the future.  Mike (check the ambassadors section) and I (mostly Mike) started Flame and Flash, San Francisco’s Bay Area LGBT Climbing Club, after his trip to Homoclimbtastic ’09.  And we have three things to share with the larger Homoclimbtastic audience; no, not our combined number of balls this time, but real news-worthy news:

Nick and Steven

So do you remember when you were a kid, and barbie was your hero?  (Or GI Joe if you’re a top or a lesbian).  I had that same feeling today.  Twice.

Who's up for sloppy second and third?

Nick and Steven, two of our Flame and Flashers went to Cologne, Germany for the 8th Gay Games.  They both competed in the Sport Climbing Competition and won Silver and Bronze respectively!  That’s right, Flame and Flash has gay medalists (medalistSSSSS, that’s two motha fuckas, count’em) and we couldn’t be more proud.  Well, I guess we could, but one of them will get gold next year, at which point we will be more proud. Either way, they trained their asses off, which in Nick’s case meant trying to quit drinking and making it almost a whole week, and in Steven’s meant going on National TV and dancing on a wall.  These boys deserve our recognition, so next time you see them, give them a pat on the back, or a handjob, because they’ve earned it.  Next year, I hope to see some of our ladies up on that podium!

Labor Day Weekend

As many of you know, Labor Day is approaching faster than the train that Nick and Steven are likely running on some Germans right now.  And we, Flame and Flash along with LA’s LGBT climbing group, Top Out Rock Bottoms, are working our waxed asses off to bring you the most FlamingTop-and-FlashyBottom-Filled event ever!

So read up, show up, and bring a dress (or camo-cargo-shorts if your a lesbian).  Post questions on the event wall, or email one of the event admins.

Knee Pads

Finally, “You’re getting knee pads!”  No wait, I mean tanks.  Mike has designed, and WE have ordered (that’s right, I do shit too) our new Flame and Flash tanks!  As if your swishy climbing style wasn’t enough, the next time you flash a hetro’s project, you won’t have to say shit, because the gayest tank top ever will practically scream “I’m here, I’m queer, and I flashed your goddamned project.”  The tank might also ask said hetro to have sex with you, because these tanks have a mind of their own, and let’s face it, you wanted to ask but don’t have the balls.

Flame and Flash tank back graphic.

And BTW, you’re all going to look damn sexy in them.  What’s that you say? $15 each for a tank that will convert hetros? What a bargain!  We’ll announce when we receive them, and we’ll bring them to our FnF meetings.  If you believe in god, and he prevents you from coming to an FnF meeting, you can still get your hands on one by asking nicely.  Supplies are limited, so suck it in!

I’m hard on, get me off.

Thank you! And some other stuff…

Kelly: You're getting kneepads

This is the post-convention email authored by dictator Kelly, copied here in case it didn’t make it to your inbox…  -Row-row

Darlings,

Well it’s been a couple of days, and the afterglow has faded to reveal full-blown PCTD (Post-Climbing Trip Depression). Your benevolent dictators (who just can’t seem to let it go) needed closure, and so we settled on constructing this light-hearted novella that may or may not be raping your inbox even as you read this.

The world’s largest queer climbing convention happened in July 2010, and you were there! The most important thing we can tell you is this: You made history. Or herstory. Mostly ourstory. You all showed up, sometimes alone, to be a part of a climbing community that we hope will live well beyond this weekend. For bravely being yourselves, we say “THANK YOU!!!!” For coming out of the gear closet, strapping on a harness, and yelling at the top of your lungs “On Beyonce!” we salute you all. And for our allies, for the people who came out with us and showed us that straight (and straight-ish) people can be totally gay, too, special hugs & kisses but not like that ’cause we know you don’t swing that way. Sober. Maybe after a 6-pack, but that’s neither hither nor thither.

So what’s next? Well, several things, thank you for asking.

A) CRUX of New York is organizing a FABULOUS Queer Takeover of Rumney in September (9/3-9/6 2010). Details at http://www.meetup.com/gay-rock-climbing/. Jon M is organizing a carpool from Boston, which seems to be the best port-of-entry (heeheehee) for those of us who don’t live on the East Coast. Rumney’s reputation as a premier sport-climbing destination along with the amazing people at CRUX’s involvement conspire to make this trip a must for any queer climber.

B) Dixie Dyno’mos are considering a trip to HP40 in November/December time-frame, depending on level of interest. For more information, contact Alex Rowland. Located in North East Alabama, HP40 is one of the nation’s premier bouldering hot-spots, and the November/December time-frame means perfect temps for maximum friction….mmmmm, juicy.

If you’d like to be a part of organizing a trip or would like to organize your own local queer climbing club, please contact us at dictators (at symbol) homoclimbtastic.com and let us know…we’ll support you in any way possible. No, not like Dina Lohan support…we’re talking genuine moral support & experience.

GIRL…there are some change in the works. A quick visit to http://www.homoclimbtastic.com will reveal a new site layout, streamlined logo, and the addition of a climbing blog. Why, you may ask? Why the fuck not? The important question is this: Do you have what it takes to write on HC’s blog? If so, email us & let us know what you’d like to do!

Also, we’re doing a mini survey to do a quick check-in that we’re not f*cking things up. So please feel free to take the time and tell us the good, the bad, and how big it was.
Link is here: https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dGhlbUlDT2dvbEFZN1NrT1BfcVNickE6MQ

High-Rez Photo Sharing
So we know there has been some Facebook connections and tagging orgy-ness going on. But in order to share the High-Rex images, CJB has set up a microsite where we can share the REAL photo files. This means we can print poster size images of our most ridiculous moments. Instructions are as follows:

Go to http://hcc2010.lalgbtclimbing.org
There are a couple ways to upload to the server.
Option 1: Add yourself
1 – Go to the server, then register yourself.
2 – Accept the link that is emailed to you and set your password then login
3 – Click on the “hcc2010” Album
4 – Create a new album
– Click “Add” -> “Album”
– Name the album your FULL NAME
5 – Click on that ablum to enter it
6 – Click on the “Add Photos” link.
7 – Click “Select Photos…”
8 – Select your photos and click add.
– I’d suggest doing this in groups of 50-100 photos at a time, just in case there is a problem
Option 2: FTP
1 – Add all your photos to a ZIP/TAR/GZ with YOUR FULL NAME… IE: “JohnSmith.Zip”
2 – Open your FTP client and point it at the server.
3 – There’s a username and password, but we can’t put it in the public blog, so email us if you want to do it this way
4 – Upload the file
5 – Your file will be processed by an administrator over the next few days.

If you’ve already uploaded photos to Facebook, no worries! The only thing we ask is if you can take a minute or two and add them to the Group photo pool. Feel free to also add them to each cities’ respective group pool.
You can see the photo pool here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13433344179&v=photos

We hope you enjoyed the July trip as much as we did, and we look forward to seeing you all at the next queer climbing event!

Love, Hugs, and Hand-jobs,
Alex Rowland
Alex Chavez
Christy Stanley
Jon M
Rio Paolo
Kelly Gray
Chris Powell
Rob Upton (in absentia…but always remembered)