Trip Report: The Super Secret Place

todays trip report requires a bit of discretion.  the place we went to has what the climbing community coyly refers to as “access issues,” so there is an understanding among the people who climb there that we not discuss where it is, how to get there, and so on.  because there are a lot of routes, the benefit is that you can climb there on a sunday, get on a bunch of classics, and not see a single goddamn person.  but the main benefit of no crowds is not, as you might guess, the ability to get on popular routes without waiting.  no, the real benefit is that you can climb naked. as pictured here.

Yowza.

ok, so we didnt really climb naked, and this picture was taken purely for the blog.  which may have made heterosexual cohort zach uncomfortable, although i couldn’t truthfully tell him that our trips weren’t normally like this.

Heterosexual cohort Zach. I'm not sure why we didn't have any pictures of him shirtless at the crag, but maybe Matt didn't want to give him the impression that we were perving. Which we were.

although not naked, i did in reality spend the entire day in underwear, flip flops, sunglasses, and a helmet.  the south is hot y’all!

If you saw how far up that second bolt was, you'd have top roped that shit too

given that i cant publicly disclose even what state it’s in, me and laurie decided to refer to this climbing area in the open as as The Super Secret Place.

Laurie, on the other hand, Just Says No to top roping. And says yes to sexy back.

even among the regulars, people dont know the name or the grade of 3/4 of the routes there. fortunately, we had the most recent revision of the bootleg topo for the area, which you too can obtain if you’re willing to forgo your sexual orientation for a few hours.  (Editor: Does it really take that long to fuck (redacted)?  Me:  Yes!  You only wish you could have.  And you can’t print that name here.)  suffice it to say, the dixie dyno’mos will stop at nothing to get a bootleg topo.  but dont ask us for it, because we think that’s a right of passage everyone should experience.  certainly better than whatever was involved in joining your fraternity, if only because we have the dignity to skip the cracker and admit that the paddling was enjoyable.

The downside of the area is the occasionally spartan bolting (better than no bolting) which demands creative stick clipping and sideways mammer-jammering.  So half the time we climbed anything we were tied into another rope and swinging around to clip the next route over.  Still, despite the heat, and the spiders, and the mammer jammering, the route quality is stellar and the grades challenging.  The latter probably explains why someone abandoned this pair of (Redacted) brand climbing shoes at the base.

Looking for a good home

Matt said, “Maybe you shouldn’t badmouth (Redacted) in case they decide to sponsor us?”

“If that happens, I’ll just delete all the references to (Redacted), and help them come up with a new ad campaign.  I can see it now.  (Redacted): Better than Montrails!”

“Maybe if they give us free shoes they’ll just spray paint their logo over a pair of good shoes like they did with (Redacted Redacted).”

Check out those guns

On the way home, we passed a sign next to a gas station that said “boiled peanuts”.

“STOP THE FUCKING CAR.”

The boiled peanuts sign was underneath a sign that said AMERICAN OWNED.

Thumbs up for the bottom sign, not the top one

The “American Owned” signage made me and Matt feel a little uncomfortable, because it’s the equivalent of “NOT FOREIGNER OWNED.”   In any event, one would assume that if you’re going to take particular pride in your American-ness, you would take particular pride in the pièce de résistance of southern cuisine, boiled peanuts.

NOT TRUE.  Those peanuts were hardly boiled, and if I was driving, I would have turned that car right around and chucked that styrofoam cup hard enough to blot out at least the second half of “American”.

Also, I demand to know what the hell the female equivalent of “Extenze” they were selling is supposed to do.

The male "extenze" makes your penis longer, so we can only presume that the female "extenze" makes your... uhhh... this seems like a discussion more appropriate for the comments section

with the trip just about over, i thought about my goal that morning, which was basically to find a place with bolts with no more than two hours of thorny bushwhacking, and to waypoint the shit out of everything on my GPS.  after we left, i was sad i didn’t have more time to get on harder routes, so it was kind of funny that we debated going to sandrock instead the morning of.  so, moral of that story, if your group is five or less, grab that motherfucking machete and move toward the abyss.

Grow, my pretties…

WHAT THE WHAT?! So after the amazing vibe of the summer trip, it was only natural to pay-it-forward. And really, you can’t stop a good thing, naaw what I’m saying?! Thus, we’re happy to announcing the growth of this amazing queer climbing network expand into 3 more cities and a clever new name for an established crew!

NEW NAME FOR L.A.: Top Out, Rock Bottom – LA LGBT Climbing
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=370721459316
Still managed by our beloved CJB, the city of Angels crew is gonna be acting devilish at Clark’s Canyon very soon.

NEW GROUP BOSTON: Redpoint: Boston LGBT Climbers
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=138626862835702

Lead by our very own Jon who has moved to Boston to be a smhart kid at some school/thing called Harvard. With Rumney 2 hours away, be sure to see a lot of adventures in New England. In fact, here is a link to a Rumney event coordinated with New York City’s CRUX.

NEW GROUP ORLANDO: R.O.C. – Real Orlando Climbers
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=135485833153735

Our little medic, Taylor, is leading the Disney State through epic adventures. Climbing manatees, oranges, and Key Lime pie, this group is sure gonna shake the waters everglades!

VANCOUVER: Vancouver Queer Rock Climbers
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=115716435146529

Giulio, our bambino carino, our queer connection to Squampton and the Chief is growing this group on Canada’s Pacific coast. This group is hot off the press so stay tuned.

Our plan is working…grow! Grow! GROW!

Connor, bears, news, oh my!

This is my first blog entry on Homo Climbtastic, so I’ll take this opportunity to introduce myself.  I’m Connor, and I climb gay rocks, er, um, I’m a gay cock climber, damn, I’m a gay rock climber, there, nailed it.  I’m other things too, which is why I’ve always had a hard time with labels.  So in reality, I’m just Connor, and you can call me anything you like (but people usually stick to Connor, because I’m also a gay mixed martial arts expert).  More on me in the future.  Mike (check the ambassadors section) and I (mostly Mike) started Flame and Flash, San Francisco’s Bay Area LGBT Climbing Club, after his trip to Homoclimbtastic ’09.  And we have three things to share with the larger Homoclimbtastic audience; no, not our combined number of balls this time, but real news-worthy news:

Nick and Steven

So do you remember when you were a kid, and barbie was your hero?  (Or GI Joe if you’re a top or a lesbian).  I had that same feeling today.  Twice.

Who's up for sloppy second and third?

Nick and Steven, two of our Flame and Flashers went to Cologne, Germany for the 8th Gay Games.  They both competed in the Sport Climbing Competition and won Silver and Bronze respectively!  That’s right, Flame and Flash has gay medalists (medalistSSSSS, that’s two motha fuckas, count’em) and we couldn’t be more proud.  Well, I guess we could, but one of them will get gold next year, at which point we will be more proud. Either way, they trained their asses off, which in Nick’s case meant trying to quit drinking and making it almost a whole week, and in Steven’s meant going on National TV and dancing on a wall.  These boys deserve our recognition, so next time you see them, give them a pat on the back, or a handjob, because they’ve earned it.  Next year, I hope to see some of our ladies up on that podium!

Labor Day Weekend

As many of you know, Labor Day is approaching faster than the train that Nick and Steven are likely running on some Germans right now.  And we, Flame and Flash along with LA’s LGBT climbing group, Top Out Rock Bottoms, are working our waxed asses off to bring you the most FlamingTop-and-FlashyBottom-Filled event ever!

So read up, show up, and bring a dress (or camo-cargo-shorts if your a lesbian).  Post questions on the event wall, or email one of the event admins.

Knee Pads

Finally, “You’re getting knee pads!”  No wait, I mean tanks.  Mike has designed, and WE have ordered (that’s right, I do shit too) our new Flame and Flash tanks!  As if your swishy climbing style wasn’t enough, the next time you flash a hetro’s project, you won’t have to say shit, because the gayest tank top ever will practically scream “I’m here, I’m queer, and I flashed your goddamned project.”  The tank might also ask said hetro to have sex with you, because these tanks have a mind of their own, and let’s face it, you wanted to ask but don’t have the balls.

Flame and Flash tank back graphic.

And BTW, you’re all going to look damn sexy in them.  What’s that you say? $15 each for a tank that will convert hetros? What a bargain!  We’ll announce when we receive them, and we’ll bring them to our FnF meetings.  If you believe in god, and he prevents you from coming to an FnF meeting, you can still get your hands on one by asking nicely.  Supplies are limited, so suck it in!

I’m hard on, get me off.

Gripped.com names Homo Climbtastic their Site of the Month

Spider Jerusalem

With a headline that descriptive, I guess I don’t have much else to say.  Woohoo Gripped.com!  With the article in Dead Point Magazine, that makes for two climbing mags this month.  We are like, so fucking famous right now.  I wonder if my new-found celebrity will help me get laid, or if instead I’ll be like Spider Jerusalem.

Anyway, while I’m on the topic of Spider Jerusalem, there was a time when I thought to myself, “if our web site is littered with profanity and its logo is two goats humping, will anyone take us seriously?”  Now I’m thinking it’s the only reason anyone takes us seriously.