Report: Water Stone Outdoors releases gayest advertisement ever; Ryan Scurfield’s mom “shocked, appalled” that son is still heterosexual

It was a somber day for Ryan Scurfield’s mom.

“When I first found out he was straight, I cried for days.  This video from Water Stone was a glimmer of hope, that this whole ‘girlfriend’ thing was just temporary.”

Scurfield’s mother was interviewed shortly after discovering that the advertisement from Water Stone was just a gig to help out the store’s owner, Maura Kistler, rather than a grand exit from what Ms. Scurfield called the “disturbing straight lifestyle.”

When asked how she found out, she said, “I logged in to look at his Facebook expecting him to become Facebook official with Gus. Instead, there was a status update about how he had the best girlfriend in the world. My heart shrank.  He looked so precious in that cowboy hat!”

This was just part of the reason the advertisement rocked the small Fayetteville community.  There was a public outcry and demand for justice among a large group of heterosexual women, who were found protesting in the courthouse lawn regarding the scenes including Craig Reger.

When asked why they were upset, one individual emerged from the crowd to explain.  “All this time, we thought of Craig as just that guy who worked behind the Water Stone desk and took photos with sock monkeys.  No one told us that he was packing an oversized kielbasa.  And he has a girlfriend in Europe?  There is no justice in this world!  No justice!”  The others chanted with her.  One was heard whispering, “so… does this mean that he’s Jewish?  Cause that right there looks Jewish.”  Another replied, “you can’t tell with the big ones.  I just call them mystery meat.”

Anger regarding the video has been directed toward producer Stella Mascari, who released a one-sentence statement through her publicist, which read in its entirety, “I wouldn’t have dreads if I gave a (expletive) what you thought of my art.”  She has been outside of the public sphere since the video was released, although one witness reported seeing her parading in front of Gumbo’s with a man on a leash wearing a luchadore mask.  When asked about the incident, Mascari’s publicist replied, “Stella likes crawfish.  Go (expletive) yourself.”

Still, there are signs that this community will press on, despite the hardship.  “At least,” said Scurfield’s mom, “some other (expletive) will have to pay for the wedding.”

HC Press

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