“This has all been a very embarrassing mis-understanding” President of Chick-fil-A tells HomoClimbtastic reporter.

“We’re so embarrassed that it’s come to this,” Dan Cathy,  President of the successful fast-food restaurant says.  “When we were asked if we supported anti-gay groups, I answered yes…of course…but only because I misunderstood the question.”

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Gallagher, attempting to lick honey mustard sauce off her jowls.

Cathy claimed that the Baptist Press interview in which he announced the company’s support of anti-gay groups clearly mis-interpreted his answer, and that rather than making financial donations, the company has merely been shoveling “tons of fried foods into that whale Maggie Gallagher’s fat fucking mouth” in an effort to quiet the controversial NOM spokesperson.  Cathy spoke in an exclusive interview with an anonymous HomoClimbtastic member who was simultaneously singing “Onward Christian Soldiers” into the business man’s asshole for $50.  “I’m just so ashamed, I hope my sister-wife never learns to read.  It would take days to explain to her exactly what happened here.  Oh yeah, that’s it, that’s it, Oh God yes, Oh…”

Cathy was later unavailable for further comment, but did tip the anonymous HC member $15 for teaching him a better method of sucking cock using a Chick-fil-A cup and straw.

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President of Chick-fil-A Dan Cathy, learning the importance of proper lip positioning in keeping the dick away from the teeth

Suck it, Boyscouts

Fuck you, Boy Scouts of America.  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.  Also, I happen to have this gigantic bag of dicks over here (always be prepared!), you can suck each and every one of them.

Oooooooooh….

You know, I’ve done this whole Goddamned research thing for the last 2 or 3 days in an effort to really counter the BSoA decision to hate fags, but then I remembered that climbers don’t come here to read well researched, reasoned opinion pieces about today’s hot-button issues.  They come here to laugh at the fucking insane bullshit that’s going on around us, because Goddammit if you don’t laugh, what, you gonna’ cry like a fucking baby?  Huh?  You some kind of fucking baby?  I’m sorry, that isn’t fair.  That’s the jet lag talking, I’m really sorry.

So here’s the deal:  I couldn’t sleep on my 14 hour flight to Taiwan, I’ve spent the last 72 hours in conference rooms that smell like a homeless guy’s sweaty nut sack,  I’m tired, I’ve been fucking sick, I’m hungry (I have to take a $15 cab ride from my hotel to get to the nearest decent vegan restaurant) and all of this just makes me even more sure that I’ve had it up to fucking HERE with groups of men who wear faggy uniforms, fuck little boys, and still have the wherewithal to tell gay people that we’re not allowed into your club.

Yeah, that’s right.  Turns out the Boy Scouts (a for-profit, $900 Million corporation) have a lot in common with the Catholic church.  They’ve been burying molestation cases for YEARS, and evidently have a secret stash of pedophile cases that they keep in some bunker outside Dallas, and have worked for the last 50 or so years to keep all of this secret because of the damage it may do Scouts as an organization.

Well you know what, BSoA?  HomoClimbtastic created a secret panel 2 years ago, filled with various members of the community (all of whom agree with us, because like BSoA, this ain’t a fucking democracy) and we’ve come to several conclusions:

A)  We fucking hate you.

B)  We fucking hate your uniforms.

C)  Those of us with children know that only 8% of child molesters identify themselves as homosexual in their adult relationships, meaning we know that our children are far safer with our gay friends than with some (now guaranteed to be) heterosexual scout masters.  Mike Huckabee apparently disagrees but mostly because he’s a man who makes a wonderful living pandering to the stupidest people on the face of our planet.  Also, facts are complex and often nuanced, which means you have to spend time dealing with them rather than watching re-runs of Jersey Shore.

D)  We hate it for gay kids that your organization, while seeking to create “morally straight” men, simultaneously encourages kids to lie about who they are on a very fundamental level so they can still be a part of your fucking club.  You are a very big part of the problem.

E)  We fucking LOVE the Girl Scouts.

Yeah. So fuck you.

I’m out.

(drop mike)

Voodoo Climbing: Protecting your queer booty

A duffel so large you’ll never have to use the hacksaw!

After you’ve finished wallowing in the amusement of my double entendre for “booty,” admire the fact that Voodoo Climbing is sponsoring us again!

With lots of stuff!

When I first heard about it, I secretly hoped that Gina was going to ship me one of their gigantic fuzzy crash pads, to my house, with my face embroidered on it, or maybe a naked gay porn star, or something.  But she did the next best thing, which was ship us a bunch of stuff to auction off for all of you at the super awesome July 28 HC auction.

So we’ll have chalk bags, duffel bags, tote bags, and a red velvet chalk bucket, the last of which has captured my attention, in addition to the on-site massage sesh being offered by Justin DiBenedetto (I anticipate a ruthless bidding war with Todd, which could get ugly.)

Not only that, Petzl sent us a GriGri 2, which is great.  Mostly because I force all of the people I teach to learn the GriGri, and thus am singlehandedly responsible for sending them a zillion dollars worth of GriGri purchases, so I’m stoked to know it’s for a company that’s all about keeping us high in the sky where we belong.  Same with the Evolv Shammies, although I don’t force anything on anyone in terms of shoe selection.

I know it’s easy to get cynical about commercial vendors sponsoring us and doing videos–it is true that they are for-profit entities, and it’s good marketing for them, and they make a shit-ton of money off us, blah blah blah.

But, to get more cereal than I usually do in my blogs, (and don’t worry, our humorous rebuke to recent events is coming) the recent Chick-Fil-A announcement REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS.  I expected an occasional bump in the road when carving a rainbow path into the climbing world, but not one when ordering waffle fries.  Waffle fries just seem like they would be a very apolitical use of tuber.  But commercial entities have the option, as our chicken nugget proprietor proved, of not sending you a red velvet chalk bucket, making you a video, sending you shoes, belay devices, coffee, what-not, and instead sending their spare change to ex-gay camps–marketing impact be damned.  They also have the choice to prop up the Boy Scouts–from which we’re all banned, in case you were wondering–even though we totes know way more about how to rig their top ropes and teach kids how to back-step than that idiot with the hat and the high-waisted brown knickers that accentuate his FUPA.

The Chick-Fil-A announcement stung (“I bought so many of your nuggets and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?”) but I have to say, I feel a lot better knowing there’s people out there who on faith will send a big box of swag to someone they’ve never met whose organization’s logo consists of two humping goats.  If that doesn’t at least partially restore your faith in humanity for a few hours, I’m not sure what will.

Towleroad (Why hello there, stranger!)

With mer perterders!

Towleroad has done blerged Water Stone (and us by association), the fame of which I plan on parlaying into a reality TV show, titled, “Gay Lawyer Who Lives With His Mom.”

Anyway, if you just know you want to support us somehow, go like HomoClimbtastic’s Facebook page and Water Stone’s Facebook page.

Non-climbers *occasionally* find our blog entertaining, when they skip the more arcane posts about climbing techniques/ethics/whatever, given our tenuous desire to stay on topic and instead make light of HIV and destigmatize stuff.  We don’t just climb!

Ok thanks.

-Rowland

Thou Shalt Not Set Up Top Ropes on Fixed Gear! (But feel free to lower off.)

Don’t do it!

The registration form this year included a trick question to identify and nail nooblets. Some of the most experienced climbers clicked it on purpose just to rattle my cage, but many more clicked it cause they didn’t know any better.  Among questions such as, “I have lead 20+ sport routes”, there was a checkbox next to the phrase, “I typically set up top-ropes through fixed/permanent gear instead of using quickdraws”.  That was a trick question, and you shouldn’t have clicked it.

One frequent element of climbing is setting up top ropes for yourself to work a route, or more commonly, for not quite as uber-strong friends.  When setting up top-ropes, you don’t run the rope directly through the o-rings at the top, but instead through your own equipment (which is in turn attached to the fixed bolts or o-rings).  At an HC event, we prefer that you do this with at least one locking quickdraw (an auto-locker is even better).  It’s much more appropriate than a pair of non-locking quickdraws for a top-rope that might go uninspected for several hours.

In any event, YOU SHALL NEVER TOP ROPE DIRECTLY THROUGH THE ANCHORS. If you don’t know what this means, you shouldn’t be setting up top-ropes, period.  Doing this at the convention places you in the category of “people who besmirch HC’s reputation”, which is a subcategory of “people who are subject to getting banned from this and future HC conventions”.

Unless local rules insist on it (e.g. Muir Valley, where the anchors are privately funded and replaced), we don’t ask anyone to rappel off routes when cleaning, unless they just really want to.  In my own opinion, the number of deaths caused by rappelling vastly eclipses the cost of replacing o-rings, and if I have to make and sell a calendar of hot shirtless climbers to fund an anchor replacement initiative to win that ethics war, by God I’ll do it.  I just see no reason to bring the unholy number of rappelling death reports into the single pitch sport climbing world because we couldn’t collectively figure out a way to make a few more stops to ACE Hardware.

In any event, toproping through the fixed gear is lazy and obnoxious, as it efficiently grinds down the rings while doing little to further your safety, and thus you shouldn’t do it outside of pressing circumstances.

The HomoClimbtastic Documentary

With perterters!

Filmmaker Brian Spiegel successfully raised over eleven thousand dollars to shoot a documentary about HomoClimbtastic, to be filmed during this year’s 2012 convention.  You can see his web site here.

I have to admit I reminisce a little bit about when the group was me and Rio in a hostel shouting “gurrrrrl!” at one another.

Oh, the good ole days.  Gurl.

Now, the blog gets about 6000 hits a month, the convention will have more than 30 volunteers at various points in its creation, and we’ve incorporated an impressive fundraiser to benefit the American Alpine Club.

I’m still a little confused as to how the hell that happened, so I’m glad someone else is looking into it.  Although if the camera ends up in the barn cabin with me and Rio, there’s still a pretty good chance for a ten minute segment of me and Rio yelling “gurl!” at each other.

In any event, that’s why there will be a camera crew present–and make sure you sign one of their waivers so you can be in the final product!  If they have to blur your face because you didn’t get a waiver to them, it’ll make it look like a depressing retreat of closet-cases, rather than people too occupied with crushing routes to get their waivers turned in.  The camera crew will have waivers with them and you can sign them at the morning announcements and the info tables.