I’m a loser. On Supertopo, you can ignite flame wars lasting hundreds, thousands, or tens of thousands of posts long about topics as lame as the Compressor route fiasco, shooting bears, putting lipstick on bears, or having sex with bears, but, I totally failed to get a flame war going when I was trying to start one on purpose, and the subject matter I was dealing with is obviously far more controversial than what constitutes proper bear food (hint: you, unless you’re in a car, or are double wielding .44 magnums).
Subject matter being Homo Climbtastic going to West Virginia in July. Supertopans primarily live out west, and prefer climbing in bitter, dry, cold areas. Supertopans fear summer in West Virginia like Star Jones fears Nene Leakes:
Although Star Jones rebukes Nene’s approach to interpersonal conflicts as the product of a lack of education, Star just doesn’t know that Nene is reacting in the same way all of us Atlantans do when encountering manipulative a-holes: Star: “At least let me know what you’re accusing me of.” Nene: “Shut the fuck up.”
Example: I have a summa cum laude English degree and people are still complaining that I sullied the gays’ relationship with our current governor when I kind of sort of publicly e-mailed him regarding my dissatisfaction with his campaign commercials and the most eruditic treasure from my lexicon was “big ole wad of donkey cum.” (At least I can say that out of 1,350,000 results, my “big ole wad of donkey cum” is first on Google.)
So after failing with Supertopo, I started a forum thread on RealJock. That probably won’t work either, because the most popular forum threads there include:
- “GLITTER BOMBING” — Lame Gays Making Us ALL Look Bad
- RATE THE GUY ABOVE YOU (1-20)
- Pass, Quick Fuck, or Overnight…?
I just can’t compete with those. Also, the guys on RealJock all have abs that put the men on the cover of Men’s Health to shame, the result of a body fat percentage low enough to cause renal failure when leaning back against concrete surfaces. To be fair, the abs/chests are usually an attempt to compensate for the face. Or brain, or their brain’s face. But nobody on RealJock cares about those. Hell, when I get on there, it’s because I’m in that kind of mood where I don’t either. If you get my drift. And I think ya do.
Thus, I’m turning to you, Homo Climbtastic members, fans, and friends! Post about us to places we’ve never seen, heard of, or posted to! Or just get on the Supertopo/RealJock threads and start throwing flaming poo bombs! Tell them you’re going to bolt all the walls on Yosemite with two feet spacing between each bolt and you’re spray painting them in bright pink ACROSS ARBITRARY LINES THAT AREN’T ANY GOOD AND YOU’RE GONNA DRY TOOL YOUR 300 POUND BODY UP THE WHOLE WAY TO GET THERE. Also you’ll be on lead on aid hooks with an infant attached to you with one of those little infant carrying things, and accuse anyone who gets mad that they’re misogynists and that you already bought the crampons and you will not be a victim! (Editor: Maybe a good spot for another photo? Ra-ra: I couldn’t find a picture of a fat man dry tooling El Cap on aid gear with a baby attached to him, in case anyone feels like photoshopping one together for me. Must be believable enough to trick the Supertopans. Also, he should be wielding a .44 Magnum and be shooting a black bear trying to eat the burrito he left at the base of the crag. Editor: Maybe it would be more offensive if he were bolting while rapping? Ra-ra: Maybe he’s dry tooling, and the infant is rapping?)
Spread the message of our cult far and wide! I don’t have the time, money, or skill to go chop the remaining anchors on the Compressor route or otherwise bring about climbing infamy the old fashioned way, so please, come up with something that would make me, Nene, and the rest of Atlanta proud! We’re counting on you!