I wrote a letter supporting Rick Santorum’s campaign today, with the subject line, “Thank you for defending long-standing, conservative values”. If you care to send your own, their e-mail address is Info@RickSantorum.com. My letter is copied below.
Dear Future President Rick Santorum,
I just wanted to express to you my sincere appreciation for the values you’ve been so valiantly fighting for. Your resistance to those who would breach morals that have defined humanity across time is nothing short of impeccable. I was especially heartened by your recent stance regarding contraception:
“One of the things I will talk about that no president has talked about before is… the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea.” You continued, “Many in the Christian faith have said, ‘Well, that’s okay. Contraception’s okay.’ It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
I am totally in agreement with you, as are many of my cohorts. The great majority of them have never used birth control. I have never used birth control. You see, birth control hasn’t been around very long, but most couples before the 1960’s didn’t want to live like the Duggars. So like me, they did it in a way I like to call “Little House on the Prairie Style”. Because I’m sure when you decided that you had had enough children, you didn’t go out and buy a separate bed or use any form of birth control. You stared at those beady little eyes in the mirror, you ripped off that sweater vest, and you decided it was time to start doing it Little House on the Prairie Style. And I salute you. I’ve been doing it Little House on the Prairie Style for years now, and I have not had a single abortion yet, even though I’m sure I’ve made enough deposits to stock a sperm bank in Everymanisdeadistan. I can assure you, my little swimmers aren’t coming close to any eggs. Well, unless my new holistic health remedy starts selling, Chicken Egg Enemas, which I’m marketing under the very catchy trademark “Chickenemas”. And if those get anyone pregnant, we’ll end up with a race of Chicken-Human hybrids, which will either quickly dominate and destroy humanity, or they’ll be loving, docile creatures that we can ride like horses, in the way that I always wished I could ride an ostrich as a young boy. In any event, I’m sure as president the reputation of your name alone will constantly remind the nation of the many options outside of the missionary position that we can explore when contraception is outlawed.
I wish I could offer you more than just my letter of support, like a large campaign donation or CPAC, but the dog got everything in the divorce. I told the judge that she was just going to use the child support to buy Kibbles n’ Bits while she shacked up with whichever jerk slathered himself in peanut butter. But you know how judges are these days (probably because almost a fifth of them are women). I cannot wait until you’re the man appointing them, a man who recognizes that a man should be the head of the household. Until that order is restored, my mother will continue to decide when the TV is devoted to a five hour NCIS marathon, even after she lied to me and dad and told us she would let us have the remote after White Collar, which is totally unconscionable seeing as how she has them all on the DVR and can watch them whenever she wants to. Please restore us to the time period when mothers stayed home and hired less white moms to work for them. I don’t know what the less white moms did. Never really thought about it. Just so long as I get the DVR back.