Homo Climbtastic Hosting 3rd Annual World’s Largest Queer LGBT Gay Climbing Convention Ever (This time post-rapture!) July 14, 2011

Thought I’d give a sample forum post if anyone wants to plagiarize for use on any random internet forum to advertise our upcoming convention…
Thanks to the rapture, we no longer have to pretend that we are conforming, law abiding citizens adhering to any common standard of decency–meaning this will not only be the biggest, but also the FUNNEST Homo Climbtastic convention in history! Details of the coming frivolity:

DATE AND LOCATION: As usual, we’re at the New River Gorge, in West Virginia, in the middle of July. July 14-18, 2011 to be exact.

STILL COMPLETELY FREE: Well, we’re not paying for your campsite fee, but we’re not charging you to hang out with us. That’s what Rentboy is for.

MORE VAGINAS: Yes, more vaginas! HC is recruiting harder than ever to get more womyn out there making HC herstory. But we can’t pretend they’re all gonna be lesbians, because at Homo Climbtastic, it rarely takes anything more than a strap-on and two shots of tequila to make anyone feel a little bi-curious. I’m already reading internet articles about tongue movement in order to lose my gold star–and if you don’t know what a gold star is, get ready to lose yours too! Forget vagina monologues, get ready for vagina dialogues!

Rapture prediction

Soon we'll have it all to ourselves!

STRAIGHT MEN: They kind of wander in like lost dogs, but just to make sure you know, you’re welcome too! And an untapped resource for all you heterotronic crag hag females out there. Sure, we know all it takes for you straight girls to get laid is show up at Miguel’s in a sports bra and a star in your eye (I just need a six pack… of PBR… for myself), but at least you’ll wake up smelling good and probably without scabies. Probably. We think we picked up some of our guys in Kentucky because they wanted rides to cooler territory and couldn’t afford flights to Bishop.

MORE CRAZY COSTUMES: Last year’s climb in drag was… last year. This year’s costume climbing contest: furry costumes! (While we’re on that note, where the F do those people get those things? Do I need to sew this rabbit outfit myself?) And this time, we may even do it on lead. Even though bunny heads are heavy. Expect plenty of super awesome FA’s (furry ascents)!

MORE FORGIVING ITINERARIES: In the past, we’ve never scheduled anything at crags with climbs below 5.10, which made it hard to bring friends who aren’t super strong climbers but may be necessary to help pay for gas. With several groups of 20-30, this time we’ll have itineraries to please anyone, whether they climb 5.7 or 5.14.

REGISTER NOW: So get on it. Go to www.homoclimbtastic.com and click the big fat link at the top to register. Cause we’re rad and we know it. Also, we have a strict no whiner policy, which includes whining about which stereotypes we do or don’t fit into, climbing too hard or not hard enough, not putting the convention in your back yard, and not baby sitting your noob friends. We dun do none of that, kids, and we dun tired of answering e-mails about it.

We’ll see the rest of you homegirls at the New, baby!

Rowland

Regarding your “crag dog”

Your crag dog probably sucks.

Whenever I go climbing on the weekends, at least three times before I get to the first climb I want, I hear this “BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK” and then some random dog sniffs me and then some idiot says, “oh Twiddles!  Why are you doing that?”  Not all the dogs are named Twiddles.  But they’re all named something stupid.  “Don’t bother the nice man!  He doesn’t want to hurt you.”  This is not true. I want to shoot the dog in the face.  The most frustrating thing is that they speak to the dog in the same soothing tone they use when the dog does something they want, something they don’t want, and something irrelevant, like the dog understands English.  “Twiddles,” they say, like they were talking to their sister’s baby, “why did you pee on the carpet?  Why didn’t you lay down?  Why are you barking?  Why did you announce your candidacy for the Republican primary before doing any fund raising?”

Your dog does not understand English.  There is a reason that some owners have dogs that don’t bark at other dogs, that don’t bark at people, that lay down when told, and timely secure fund raising.

Now, a good 30% of it is that pure-breds are generally crazy, and as someone who needs to have a pure bred, you had it coming, and you probably get along better with a dog that’s as crazy as you are.  But the remaining 70%, or 100% if you have a mutt, is that, as an owner, you suck.

Here’s the great rule of dog ownership: consistently and immediately reward them for good behavior and consistently and immediately discipline them for the bad.  Is your dog doing things you don’t want it to?  Are you carrying a choke chain and a box of dog treats around?  And don’t get all whiney about the shock collar or the choking.  Both are completely usually most of the time safe.  Insert too soon David Carradine joke here.

David Carradine

Death by autoerotic asphyxiation: better than death by lung cancer, bitches!

Usually, like the awful mothers on those super-nanny shows, it’s because the owners want to be “nice” and don’t want to discipline precious Twiddles for a few weeks, but would rather have him annoy everyone, bite people, and shit in their (owner’s) bed for the next ten years until he gets heartworms and dies.  (Given their diets, I believe the children on TV also get heartworms.)  I would endure twenty crying babies before dealing with one dog barking and sniffing.  With the dog, you know that the owner’s an idiot who you then have to beware of for fear they’ll drop equipment, install aluminum permadraws, or play Maroon 5 on a boombox, all of which can cause serious physical injury under certain circumstances.  (“But the lead singer is hot” is never going to be an excuse for being a shitty musician, ever!  Ever!)

As much as I rag on them, the producer who "spotted" him probably deserves most of the blame.

You can pick up other people’s litter, ask people to turn off boomboxes, and chop routes at night, but you still get arrested for shooting dogs.  The only advantage I have in this war is that I have a glare that shouldn’t be street legal.  Just ask someone I’ve glared at.  They still haven’t gotten over it.

Women in HC

Do the Job He Left Behind WW2 poster

...drill baby drill!

In the beginning, Homo Climbtastic was 100% male–that was because the first trip was me and four other guys, including current dictators C-Pow and Chavez, tromping through the West Virginia woods.  Later, and we had perhaps the most success at our last New River Gorge convention, women turned out and turned it up.  Still, their numbers haven’t reached the volume of men present.

Where there’s more men, they bring more men friends, and the scales dip in one direction through inertia alone, so we actively recruit women in our advertising to keep the ratios from going completely out of whack.  I do this partly out of self-interest; a sausage fest sounds nice on paper, but it really just makes for a boring party, and I know my queer women friends feel similarly about clam cook-offs, so we’re in this BBQ pit together, friends.

But at the end of the day, (and this is becoming more true as the group grows larger) the inclusiveness of what we say in our advertising can’t overcome the major barrier–women in the field advertising.  The guys, since inception, have been excited to play whack-a-mole with every gay dating web site internet forum, posting press releases about the trips to bring in anybody who knows how to give a soft catch.  Sometimes I run across things posted by guys I’ve never heard of encouraging people to meet them there.

Thus, I am sounding the call to arms: we are getting more women involved, and we’re doing it now.  Which means you.  Assuming you either have a vagina or are making progress toward acquiring one, I, Alex Rowland, spiritual leader of Homo Climbtastic, am vesting you with diplomatic authority to post our press releases far across the internet, or, better, write or tailor your own.

Victory waits on your fingers WW2 poster

Gurl, get on OK Cupid and tell everybody to come climb with you!

You’ll have to caution them with the requirements of joining, which are posted at http://homoclimbtastic.com/join/ but that’s pretty much it.  The great thing about posting everywhere is that it gives you a reason to meet people, awesome rock climbers nearby perhaps, who you wouldn’t have met otherwise.  Direct them to join the Facebook group or to sign up for our July 14-18, 2011 convention at the New River Gorge in West Virginia.

I can assure you, we (HC men and women both) are actively working in various other ways to keep this from turning into some lame gym bunny circuit party with sports on the side and a poster that looks like it belongs under a car windshield wiper.  But the war cannot be won on leadership alone!  You have to get out there, leave shyness behind, and proclaim, “Ladies, we’re gonna crash this HC convention like no queer climbing convention has ever been crasheded before!”

Women in the war we cant win without them WW2 poster

Your gender expression is up to you, but leave working explosives behind

There are other queer athletic institutions which are almost entirely male and which have no equivalent group for women, thereby leaving women in the lurch if they want to commune with other queer people–those trains left their stations without all the cars attached.  So now’s the time to get everyone on board, and we’re all determined to make it happen.  We just need you.  Get it, girl.

A Late but BIG Thank You!

Hey hey all,

So, I know. This is totally late. Almost a month! But, after Bishop I totally partied with the SF crew for my Birthday shenanigans!

Anyways, I just wanted to send out a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everybody who showed up! Seriously, its because people take that leap of faith to meet a crew of seemingly normal ‘mo climbers that makes HC what it is. I tried to meet everybody so it was so awesome for me to finally meet more of the West Coast crew! I know I’ll never forget guerilla gay baring Rusty’s and trying to make sure nobody got lynched

Above all, I genuinely hope everybody had fun no matter where and what they climbed. Owen’s, Happy’s, Sads, Buttermilks, or the POW march to the Druids.

I do have an ask though. We’re always trying to make these trips better, more fun each year, so I would LOVE to have some thoughts and suggests on what was awesome and what you could do without. Here is a bit of a complain/love link (aka a survey)

http://goo.gl/MfEdB

So while Tim took some great photos, I’m sure EVERYBODY else did too. Chris B has set up a photo FTP site, so follow the steps here:

Please add you photos to the group share site:
Option 1: Add yourself
1) Go to http://hcc2010.lalgbtclimbing.com/ , then register yourself.
2) Accept the link that is emailed to you and set your password then login
3) Click on the “HC BIshop” Album
4) Create a new album
- Click “Add” -> “Album”
- Name the album your FULL NAME
5) Click on that ablum to enter it
6) Click on the “Add Photos” link.
7) Click “Select Photos…”
8) Select your photos and click add.
- I’d suggest doing this in groups of 50-100 photos at a time, just in case there is a problem

Looking forward, I hope you’re all gearing up for the BIG trip to West Virginia. Looking at all the emails and numbers, etc. I am like 99% sure we are going to exceed last summer’s attendance numbers! Again, making this the BIGGEST, FUNNIEST, CRUSHING-IEST CREW OF QUEER CLIMBERS, EVER!

See you all in 2 months in the dirty South!
Rio