OK so you’ve dated a climber, and, after having some herbal tea and talking with your therapist, you’ve decided that relationship just wasn’t for you. Because you’re just better than that. You’re worth more than that. You deserve someone whose idea of a vacation involves room service and maybe a massage, not some self-centered narcissist with a death wish whose idea of “time off” is going to (insert river name here) gorge and climbing 13 hours a day. Stand up for yourself! Be the person you need to be, heal from this experience and move on, wiser and more capable of dealing with adversity in your relationships! Now if only you could achieve an orgasm with your new love interest, that accountant you met at a trade show in Orlando…
What the fuck ever, this ain’t Cosmo and I’m not giving out any more GODDAMNED dating advice. But Rowland was telling me about this article he read in some fucking book or what the cock ever. Evidently, people who experience extreme stress (ie: 20 foot fucking lead falls) have an unexpected side-effects. Like being really really really horny. And guess what? When you’re dating your climbing partner, you have those near-death experiences with one-another. So it may be that you wind up having the best sex of your fucking life while dating another climber.
I need to add here that we’re NOT talking about clucking…Homo Climbtatsic does not endorse this type of lewd behavior. That’s not to say we think there shouldn’t be MORE of it, we just don’t want to be responsible when it all goes horribly wrong for you. Besides, we’ve all received fellatio while being lowered off a climb, and it’s totally fucking over-rated. If, however, you’re making a video, we’ll totally watch that shit.
Think about it…have you ever cleaned a trad route & gotten to that totally run-out crux section right at the very end of the pitch only to realize that the piece you’re about to clean is actually an old chicken nugget with a sling wrapped around it? Have you ever taken a 20 foot whipper only to realize that the gate on your fucking quick-draw at your last bolt…yes, the one you just fell on…blew, and you only survived because the rope happened not to fall out of the biner? These experiences lead to some pretty serious emotions, and probably some serious arousal later in the day…if not immediately afterward. Jon told me that, while he did not feel arousal immediately following his (now homo-world-famous) whipper, it was “no fun” having a near-death experience without having someone to take it out on.
So, sugar, listen to me: You do not miss that ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend climber. In fact, breaking up with that person was probably the best thing you’ve ever done. You do, however, miss the post-near-death-experience sex. I recommend autoerotic asphyxiation if you’re not ready for another relationship, or, if you’re emotionally available enough, try to find someone who’s willing to experiment, maybe a little role-play with a loaded gun. It’ll be safer, and odds are good you’ll wind up with someone who’s a little more sane than your garden variety climber.